Hey guys, i wrote this sometime back , the duration between the completion of the exams and before the results came out, here it is-
(The day after my last entrance exam)
But that was only for a few days, after which I started realizing that the hardest time of my student life is over (atleast, that’s what I hoped). I comforted myself saying “Now it’s well out of my hands, I did the best I could and I am ready to accept whatever may come out of it.”
Merely taking IIT entrance exam made me realize some important stuff, though it was just a blind attempt and I never had any formal coaching (as I was from an AIEEE batch), I got to see first hand just how large scale this whole entrance exam business is. Till then, I was like a frog in the well, being in the set batch, which is supposedly better than 9 other sections made me think I was good but then I realised that I’m wasn't quite good enough. I’ve finally opened myself to the world, I realized that there are so many super-intelligent people out there, who are just dying to prove themselves and grab the best seat available! At first, I felt insecure but then I felt that now I at least had a clear picture of what I was up against.
And then there was the VIT result, that left me devastated. I knew very well that I was never going join that college even if I did crack the entrance and It didn’t matter in the least to my mom and dad, But I just couldn’t sit quiet and digest that rank. Eventually, I realized it toughened me up, now I was ready for the worst!
This was all before EAMCET and BITS so then I learnt both, to not count myself as one among the brightest and to expect the worst.
On the other hand, there was something entirely different that was playing on my mind, both before and after my entrance exams. I was actually feeling quite stupid and wasted. I mean, I’ve known all along that I was never meant to get involved with the sciences. I’ve always had a flair for writing, for languages and for being creative. So what am I doing here??? I used to get goose bumps imagining myself as some routine cranky engineer (no offense meant to half my family, which consists of only engineers!) In AP, it has to be either engineering or medicine, otherwise you are termed worthless, kaam chor etc. It always annoyed me. We have these bloody social or whatever obligations to the society, it just kills your dreams and pushes you into the rat race.
Its not like I had no choice, obviously my parents would never force me into anything i don't like but I somehow did end up here. As a child I would tell anyone willing to lend an ear that I would do something ‘cool’ (for that you need to understand my definition of the word cool). I would proudly say “I’m going to take up to history or archaeology or journalism”, then I would screw my face in concentration and add, “or probably graduate in English or French”. Ah! How my heart aches to think of my childish aspirations.
In X std, I did change my mind, partly because I discovered the magic that math was and also because I thought maybe I should do what everyone else is doing, because they are doing it for a reason,then after I have a professional degree in hand I can go about pursuing my interests and do what I ‘want’ to do and am not merely ‘expected’ to do.
Now, with a shudder I ask myself if I’ve gone too deep into a path not meant for me. Will I ever be able to find my way back? And what if I kind of begin to like myself as an engineer, what if I find a pretty lucrative job? It repels me, but its a possibility . All I can do now pray for God to let me find contentment in whatever I ‘choose’ to do. Maybe as mom says I can be a bit of both ( you know, my creative and brainy sides!!)